Lazy Song Days

This is just a stray observation, and like many of my stray musical observations I came upon it while humming in the shower. (I could never sing in the shower though).

Here’s my observation: Bruno Mars’ “The Lazy Song” is just the less pretty, more annoying version of Beach Fossils’ “Lazy Day”.

Now I must admit that while I do not dislike Bruno Mars entirely, and I have no wish to, as Tyler the Creator said, “stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus”, but honestly I think his music kinda sucks. I’d call it diluted indie for mass consumption. Indie Lite, if you will. On the other hand, I love Beach Fossils. I think they have a wonderful sound, like a photonegative of early Wavves. Its lo-fi, as is still fashionable in indie these days, but instead of being consumed and downtrodden by having nothing to do, Beach Fossils seem to find beautiful moments in life that involve doing nothing at all.

This is why I think “The Lazy Song” is just a ripoff. Bruno Mars must have scanned the indie world and found Wavves singing “I’m soooooooooo bored”, Best Coast with “I’m just lazy when I miss you”, and of course, Beach Fossils’ contribution, “all we had to do was nothing at all”. The problem is, Bruno Mars sings about P90X, sex, lying in bed, and generally staying the fuck inside. That’s not a creative laziness! That’s an uninspired college kid procrastinating. Maybe he should have called it “The Procrastinating College Assclown Song”, although I guess that would make it less likely to become a major radio hit.

But I think Beach Fossils deserve the radio hit much more. This is because “Lazy Day” exchanges the indoors for the field, a place where two people can lie down and watch the planes above cross in the sky, feel the wind blow through their hair, and savor in a moment of bliss and nothingness. Because after all, a lazy day is all about how you do nothing, and I’d much rather go outside and have a beautiful moment than chill with my fucking snuggie.

I AM THE TABLE

I Am The Table!

It goes without saying that the recent Lou Reed and Metallica collaboration is fairly terrible. That could have been seen with just a look at the discographies of the two parties. How the fuck could a bunch of metalheads who haven’t produced a great album since the late 1980s possibly gel with Lou Reed? It is a collaboration with WHAT THE FUCK written all over it.

And how could you, Lou Reed? Sure, I don’t know you personally, so I’m not going to call you an asshole or anything, but how could you?! You were so cool! I love The Velvet Underground, so this free form poetry speed metal mash up gag is really hurting my ears.

But the album (Lulu) is not the focus of this piece. The focus is the lead single from the album, “The View”, more specifically, a moment in the song where the following lyric is heard:

“I AM THE VIEW, I AM THE TABLE!”

WHAT THE FUCK? What exactly does “the table” have to do with anything, ever? I am really glad though that Lou Reed and James Hetfield can agree that they are a piece of dining room furniture, it does answer a lot of the questions I had about “Lulu”. All will be answered with “the table”.

Seriously though, of all the things to put in a song, why a table? A table is just not not rock and roll. A table is one of the least badass things in this universe. Even a chair is more badass than a table. Even James Hetfield screaming “I AM THE TABLE” over some pretty heavy Kirk Hammett riffage cannot badass-ify a fucking table. It would seem therefore that tables are the anti-badass.

Still, does make for a good internet meme. Whatever.

I am (the table) terribly disappointed (in the table) that the careers of two icons of rock have come to this (the table). But what do I know, I’m just a college kid with a smart mouth, I’m no table.