I AM THE TABLE

I Am The Table!

It goes without saying that the recent Lou Reed and Metallica collaboration is fairly terrible. That could have been seen with just a look at the discographies of the two parties. How the fuck could a bunch of metalheads who haven’t produced a great album since the late 1980s possibly gel with Lou Reed? It is a collaboration with WHAT THE FUCK written all over it.

And how could you, Lou Reed? Sure, I don’t know you personally, so I’m not going to call you an asshole or anything, but how could you?! You were so cool! I love The Velvet Underground, so this free form poetry speed metal mash up gag is really hurting my ears.

But the album (Lulu) is not the focus of this piece. The focus is the lead single from the album, “The View”, more specifically, a moment in the song where the following lyric is heard:

“I AM THE VIEW, I AM THE TABLE!”

WHAT THE FUCK? What exactly does “the table” have to do with anything, ever? I am really glad though that Lou Reed and James Hetfield can agree that they are a piece of dining room furniture, it does answer a lot of the questions I had about “Lulu”. All will be answered with “the table”.

Seriously though, of all the things to put in a song, why a table? A table is just not not rock and roll. A table is one of the least badass things in this universe. Even a chair is more badass than a table. Even James Hetfield screaming “I AM THE TABLE” over some pretty heavy Kirk Hammett riffage cannot badass-ify a fucking table. It would seem therefore that tables are the anti-badass.

Still, does make for a good internet meme. Whatever.

I am (the table) terribly disappointed (in the table) that the careers of two icons of rock have come to this (the table). But what do I know, I’m just a college kid with a smart mouth, I’m no table.